Judy's Posts

I really thought I was done writing in this journal. Last time I wrote was 12 weeks, and everything seemed pretty good... I even forgot it was 12 weeks. But now, it's about 19 weeks... or 4 months post op. And, I feel like I've regressed instead of progressed. It came on slowly... I didn't even realize there were problems until it BAM it hit me. Lots of things that happened immediately after surgery is happening again. I'm having night sweats again, insomnia, horrible fatigue, I've gained over 14 lbs, which I've never gained weight my whole life. And, also having issues with depression. Not sad type depression, but like my system is depressed. It's like an overall sense of despair. I read a lot on this site, and other open heart sites when I first was doing research, and there were so many people who talked about having depression. All those 12 weeks, I never felt it. I thought I survived it! No such luck. It happened... I'm depressed. And the irritability is really tough too. Went through a drive through today, ordered a small drink. They said "would you like to super size that". I about blew my lid... no I don't want a super size, I just want a regular drink. I didn't say that... but I felt it. How terrible that I'm that irritiable! Uggggh. I don't even want to take the dogs out. Which is NOT like me at all. I think to myself, what can I do where I can just sit, and they can run around. Or, I leave Ricochet home & just take Rina so I don't have to throw the ball for Ricochet. I just have no energy. I wonder if it could be post traumatic stress disorder. I have to research it. But, my body went through horrific trauma... so did my psyche those two months of anxiety... just thinking of the fear. Just seems my system is so totally out of whack from this surgery. Saw the nurse practitioner Friday, EKG is fine, blood pressure is fine. They did blood work to see if it could by my thyroid. In two weeks, I'll have a stress echo to see if all is well. I feel short of breath sometimes. I stopped taking my arthritis meds... some before my surgery & some after because I was taking like 30 pills a day. I was fine for several months, even thinking I was "cured" because there wasn't much difference in pain level. But, it caught up with me, and I've had several terribly painful flare ups. I see the rheumatologist this Friday, and will be starting meds again. Somehow, I've reached a road block. Still hoping it will get better. Now the doctor says it can take a whole year to recover. The first 12 weeks went pretty smoothly, and I feel like I've healed about 90%. But, this last 10% is taking a long time, and a very frustrating time. Everyone has been amazing. So much support from so many friends. Now I feel isolated. It's part of the depression, I'm sure. Tried to take xanax to sleep, but it causes bad dreams & other issues. I still find an escape by helping Ricochet and her fundraisers & work. Thank goodness I have an outlet... a diversion... a distraction. She's only $4300 away from raising $100,000. We will celebrate somehow when that happens. If you'd like to make a donation, go to http://www.surfdogricochet.com/Riding%20the%20wave%20to%20$100,000.htm. She has about 4 different fundraisers going. Making that milestone will hopefully help get me out of this funk. If not, at least we're still focusing on others & helping those in need. That is what gets me through every day now. Thank goodness for all of you, all of those who need help, and everyone who helps Ricochet help so many. It truly is the only thing helping me get through this very difficult time. I know I am blessed, and so fortuante. Others have it so much worse, and we try to help with Ricochet. It's just a horrible surgery, that has left me in this condition for now. It will get better, but for now I'm struggling. No matter, we will forge ahead. I feel the worst about not finding the enjoyment of taking my dogs out every day. Thanks for listening, and hopefully this will help someone down the line that has this surgery to be prepared for everything and anything that can happen with it. It really, really takes a toll on your system and body. As always, thanks for all your support. I really appreciate it. Judy